I promise to write soon.
November flew by and December is flying by and I haven't had a moment to catch my breath. I have many things floating around in my head to write but so little time.
Please pray for our family as we face our first Christmas without my dad. It is terribly hard. We are taking it a little bit at a time. Even as our hearts grieve, we are able to see the blessings. I just ache for a dad to hold for just a little bit, the comfort of his hug, a bit of advice, his laugh, to see my children play and wrestle with him...
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
October brings a few fun traditions to our family.
We carve pumpkins.
We carve pumpkins.
We gather together as a family and eat yummy food.
We get dressed up...
A family of cats.
The Pip at her finest
Little Mister...Rawrrrrrr!!!!!
One cranky lion...
being comforted by his sister?
The grandmas have a tradition of getting dressed up with the grandkids and taking them trick-or-treating. They are so stylish.
By the way, Halloween is Grandma Pat's birthday. Happy birthday!
The rest of us stay behind and hand out the goodies.
Meow!
One scrumptious little lion
Four feisty felines and a brave lion with their loot
All of our pumpkins glowing in the dark.
We have such fun in October!
Many times I have wondered, as time passes, will Emmelia, in her short little life on this earth thus far, remember my dad? My heart aches for their relationship. They had a special bond and before dad died, I found myself dreaming and laughing about the things they would do together.
As we were cuddling before nap today, Emmelia pulled a rock, about the size of a large orange, out from under her pillow. I laughed, thinking how much dad would love that his little granddaughter loved nature. She is always happiest outside digging in the dirt, rescuing worms, or playing in water.
I asked Emmelia why she was sleeping with a rock. She said softly, "Grandpa Jimmas gave it to me before he went to heaven. It is sparkly and I love it very much."
I want to capture these memories so that when she is older, she can remember a grandpa who loved her very much.
As we were cuddling before nap today, Emmelia pulled a rock, about the size of a large orange, out from under her pillow. I laughed, thinking how much dad would love that his little granddaughter loved nature. She is always happiest outside digging in the dirt, rescuing worms, or playing in water.
I asked Emmelia why she was sleeping with a rock. She said softly, "Grandpa Jimmas gave it to me before he went to heaven. It is sparkly and I love it very much."
I want to capture these memories so that when she is older, she can remember a grandpa who loved her very much.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Freckle or Moose?
This just in from Saturday morning cuddles...
The Pip was snuggled in bed with me. As she was touching and studying my face, she said seriously, "Is this a freckle or a moose?"...
about the MOLE close to my right eye.
I almost wet my pants.
The Pip was snuggled in bed with me. As she was touching and studying my face, she said seriously, "Is this a freckle or a moose?"...
about the MOLE close to my right eye.
I almost wet my pants.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Camp Courageous
Nate and I were privileged to have the opportunity to spend last Saturday as camp counselors for Camp Courageous, a children's grief day camp through Methodist Hospice. It was held at Camp Manitoumi in Lowpoint, IL.
We started out the day at 7:15a.m. waiting for our little 2nd graders in the Methodist Atrium. As our little ones arrived, we got to know them and their parents. Then it was off to the camp on Peoria Charter Coaches. Nate rode with our campers while I drove with Teresa and Eli. We needed to take Eli because he is still nursing and Teresa graciously volunteered to watch him during the day on site so I could remain an active participant.
When we arrived on the campground, Nate led the camp song, There's A Hero In Everybody's Heart, around the flagpole followed by watching Nadia, the dog, perform tricks. Then it was off to ride horses in the Ring Ride. I was impressed that I was actually able to lead my horse while one of our little girls rode. She had put her trust in me and rode a horse for the first time. No pressure. :)
We then headed back to our cabin to talk about the loss of our loved ones and had small discussions and activities geared toward grieving. Each one of our 7 campers had lost a mom or dad. My heart ached for them.
Even though the weather was cold and it did rain, we snuggled down in blankets and fuzzy socks in our cabin enjoying our time together.
Lunch was at 12:15. After lunch, the kids were desperate to play on the playground. Thankfully, it had stopped raining and they were able to run around. It was touching to watch Nate with the children. They wanted Nate to play with them and felt comfortable enough to drag him along. It was like he was the Pied Piper. They loved following him around. I should mention that 5 of the 7 had lost a dad. The significance of Nate's care was huge. They called him Nate the Great and great he was.
The afternoon flew by with face painting, grief miniature golf, crafts, a special stone ceremony, and t-shirt signing. The final activity was really special. The children wrote messages to their loved ones and we tied them to strings on balloons. We gathered around the flagpole to release our balloons and watch them soar high into the sky. It was definitely an emotional and touching experience.
We ended the day back in Methodist Atrium around 5:30p.m. As we said goodbye to our children and parents, we hoped that we were able to make a small difference in the lives of these precious children.
We started out the day at 7:15a.m. waiting for our little 2nd graders in the Methodist Atrium. As our little ones arrived, we got to know them and their parents. Then it was off to the camp on Peoria Charter Coaches. Nate rode with our campers while I drove with Teresa and Eli. We needed to take Eli because he is still nursing and Teresa graciously volunteered to watch him during the day on site so I could remain an active participant.
When we arrived on the campground, Nate led the camp song, There's A Hero In Everybody's Heart, around the flagpole followed by watching Nadia, the dog, perform tricks. Then it was off to ride horses in the Ring Ride. I was impressed that I was actually able to lead my horse while one of our little girls rode. She had put her trust in me and rode a horse for the first time. No pressure. :)
We then headed back to our cabin to talk about the loss of our loved ones and had small discussions and activities geared toward grieving. Each one of our 7 campers had lost a mom or dad. My heart ached for them.
Even though the weather was cold and it did rain, we snuggled down in blankets and fuzzy socks in our cabin enjoying our time together.
Lunch was at 12:15. After lunch, the kids were desperate to play on the playground. Thankfully, it had stopped raining and they were able to run around. It was touching to watch Nate with the children. They wanted Nate to play with them and felt comfortable enough to drag him along. It was like he was the Pied Piper. They loved following him around. I should mention that 5 of the 7 had lost a dad. The significance of Nate's care was huge. They called him Nate the Great and great he was.
The afternoon flew by with face painting, grief miniature golf, crafts, a special stone ceremony, and t-shirt signing. The final activity was really special. The children wrote messages to their loved ones and we tied them to strings on balloons. We gathered around the flagpole to release our balloons and watch them soar high into the sky. It was definitely an emotional and touching experience.
We ended the day back in Methodist Atrium around 5:30p.m. As we said goodbye to our children and parents, we hoped that we were able to make a small difference in the lives of these precious children.
We have entered a new phase of creativity and cleverness.
On the way down a big flight of stairs at church this morning, the Pip decided that jumping the steps would be a good idea. I, of course, scolded her and told her that she better never ever jump steps again and I threw in the line, "I had better not see you do it."
Little Miss Creative and Clever said, "Well, you can look the other way."
On the way down a big flight of stairs at church this morning, the Pip decided that jumping the steps would be a good idea. I, of course, scolded her and told her that she better never ever jump steps again and I threw in the line, "I had better not see you do it."
Little Miss Creative and Clever said, "Well, you can look the other way."
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
It is a tradition that on Saturday mornings when we all wake up, we cuddle in bed together for a little bit before we start the day.
The Pip, being a daddy's girl, snuggles in close to Nate and plays a game of "Hiding Under the Covers" from mommy.
One morning, she said, "Daddy, you need to stop breathing." Since this was a rather bold statement, Nate asked her the question, "Why?"
She paused for a moment and then said,
"Because your breath stinks."
The Pip, being a daddy's girl, snuggles in close to Nate and plays a game of "Hiding Under the Covers" from mommy.
One morning, she said, "Daddy, you need to stop breathing." Since this was a rather bold statement, Nate asked her the question, "Why?"
She paused for a moment and then said,
"Because your breath stinks."
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
A Matter of Perspective
Nate and I got knock-down-drag-out sick last week but with the help of medication, our bodies were able to heal.
We made it to the nurse practitioner in time and were given an antibiotic before Emmelia's eardrums ruptured.
Larry made it to the ER with chest pain only...in time to diagnose that he needed bypass surgery before he had a heart attack.
My mom fell but it could have been so much worse. Thankfully, Sue, a close family friend who happens to be a doctor, was at her office and able to come quickly to assess and treat the injuries.
The lady in the car noticed Emmelia directing traffic at the end of the driveway and drove carefully past her. Emmelia later asked me, "Why did that lady point at me?", which got her another round of mommy lecturing.
Coincidences? No way!
God is intervening. It was said today in our Bible study discussion that the safest place to be is in God's will. Is God a giver or a taker? God is a giver. When I look around at my life, I can't see a place where He hasn't touched, provided, or worked. I can identify those moments. I am blessed.
The more I see God intervene, the more I know I am incredibly protected. God will see us through this season of our lives.
However, there are moments when I would love to take a break from the chaos, curl up in a big fat squishy chair, snuggle underneath a fuzzy blanket, sip a warm Creme Brulee Latte and read for days. Total relaxation would include a massage...oh the possibilities are endless once the dreaming begins...
Psalm 121
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
We made it to the nurse practitioner in time and were given an antibiotic before Emmelia's eardrums ruptured.
Larry made it to the ER with chest pain only...in time to diagnose that he needed bypass surgery before he had a heart attack.
My mom fell but it could have been so much worse. Thankfully, Sue, a close family friend who happens to be a doctor, was at her office and able to come quickly to assess and treat the injuries.
The lady in the car noticed Emmelia directing traffic at the end of the driveway and drove carefully past her. Emmelia later asked me, "Why did that lady point at me?", which got her another round of mommy lecturing.
Coincidences? No way!
God is intervening. It was said today in our Bible study discussion that the safest place to be is in God's will. Is God a giver or a taker? God is a giver. When I look around at my life, I can't see a place where He hasn't touched, provided, or worked. I can identify those moments. I am blessed.
The more I see God intervene, the more I know I am incredibly protected. God will see us through this season of our lives.
However, there are moments when I would love to take a break from the chaos, curl up in a big fat squishy chair, snuggle underneath a fuzzy blanket, sip a warm Creme Brulee Latte and read for days. Total relaxation would include a massage...oh the possibilities are endless once the dreaming begins...
Psalm 121
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
We are still standing.
Following my dad's memorial we have been pummeled with...
3 viruses
1 case of pneumonia
1 bacterial infection
1 UTI
a serious double ear infection
1 sinus infection
2 migraines
We were finally ready to pull the "caution tape" from around our house on Sunday and then...
Larry, Nate's dad, went to the ER due to chest pain. He was admitted to the hospital and will have bypass surgery today.
We left the kids with mom so we could go to the ER. On our way to pick up the kids, my mom calls and in a frantic voice tells us that she has fallen in the garage and blood is everywhere. She has a good gash above her left eyebrow, a possible sprained wrist, a black and blue left eye, a badly bruised or possibly broken thumb, and a swollen lip.
And finally, on Monday...
I put Emmelia and Eli in the van. We were going to pick up my mom and get lunch to take to the hospital. I didn't strap her in because the routine is that she gets in her seat and waits for me. I went back in the house to put Vader in his crate and grab the diaper bag. When I came out of the house, I noticed a gray car driving very slowly past our house. It was then that I noticed Emmelia was standing at the bottom of the driveway directing traffic with her fake red carnation!
Please cover us in your prayers. We do see God intervening! Today, please ask that God would keep Larry in His hands, guide the hands of the surgeon, Dr. Savage, and give him wisdom, and that a hedge of protection would fall around our family.
We are still standing.
Psalm 91 came to mind...
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Following my dad's memorial we have been pummeled with...
3 viruses
1 case of pneumonia
1 bacterial infection
1 UTI
a serious double ear infection
1 sinus infection
2 migraines
We were finally ready to pull the "caution tape" from around our house on Sunday and then...
Larry, Nate's dad, went to the ER due to chest pain. He was admitted to the hospital and will have bypass surgery today.
We left the kids with mom so we could go to the ER. On our way to pick up the kids, my mom calls and in a frantic voice tells us that she has fallen in the garage and blood is everywhere. She has a good gash above her left eyebrow, a possible sprained wrist, a black and blue left eye, a badly bruised or possibly broken thumb, and a swollen lip.
And finally, on Monday...
I put Emmelia and Eli in the van. We were going to pick up my mom and get lunch to take to the hospital. I didn't strap her in because the routine is that she gets in her seat and waits for me. I went back in the house to put Vader in his crate and grab the diaper bag. When I came out of the house, I noticed a gray car driving very slowly past our house. It was then that I noticed Emmelia was standing at the bottom of the driveway directing traffic with her fake red carnation!
Please cover us in your prayers. We do see God intervening! Today, please ask that God would keep Larry in His hands, guide the hands of the surgeon, Dr. Savage, and give him wisdom, and that a hedge of protection would fall around our family.
We are still standing.
Psalm 91 came to mind...
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
Monday, September 7, 2009
Memorial
James Wilson Snow 1939-2009
James W. “Jim” Snow, 70, of Peoria, passed away at 4:08 p.m. on Thursday, August 27, 2009, at Rosewood Care Center in Peoria, with his family by his side.
Jim was born on August 17, 1939 in Amsterdam, NY, a son of Merrill and Ethel (Wilson) Snow. When Jim was three years old, his father passed away and he was raised by his mother and stepfather, John Brown. They also preceded him in death.
Jim married Judith A. Rieken on July 12, 1969 in St. Louis. She survives.
He is also survived by his daughter, Jennifer L. (Nathan) Edwards of Peoria; son, Christopher J. (Lauren) Snow of St. Peters, MO; and grandchildren, Emmelia Edwards, Luchas Snow and Elijah Edwards, all at home.
Jim earned Bachelor's and Master's degrees in Civil Engineering, both from the University of Missouri at Rolla.
In 2003, he retired from Caterpillar after serving in a variety of positions, most notably Packaging and Process Control Manager in the Global Planning Services Division. Early in his career at Caterpillar, he served the company both in East Peoria and the General Office building in downtown Peoria.
He was a member of Grace Presbyterian Church and attended Northwoods Community Church, both in Peoria.
Jim enjoyed fishing and bird hunting and was a member of the Little John Conservation Club. He also volunteered at Peoria Rescue Mission and Great Oaks Camp.
A service to celebrate Jim’s life will be at 11 a.m. on Saturday, September 12, 2009, at Grace Presbyterian Church of Peoria, with the Rev. Steve Shaffer and Rev. Bob Donaldson officiating. After the service, the family will host a luncheon and receive friends at Avantis North Peoria.
Friends and family are asked to RSVP for the luncheon at jimsnowmemorial@gmail.com or to Clary Funeral Home (309) 689-0166.
A private family graveside and interment will be at Swan Lake Memory Gardens in Peoria.
In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made in Jim’s memory to Grace Presbyterian Church, Northwoods Community Church, the Peoria Rescue Mission or to Methodist Hospice.
Funeral arrangements have been entrusted to Clary Funeral Home, 428 West McClure Avenue, in Peoria.
Monday, August 31, 2009
I was checking my e-mail this morning and this is what I found. What a perfect message to start my day.
This devotional is by James MacDonald from Walk in the Word Ministries.
Jesus Listens
The Weekly Walk
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." - Hebrews 4:16
What do you think about prayer? Do you think that God really wants to talk to you? Do you think He really wants to hear what is on your heart?
The answer is, yes, He really does. He is an attentive counselor who listens to you. You understand this picture if you know what it's like to sit and talk to someone who really knows how to listen. They hear you. They get it. You can see in their eyes that they're tracking with you. Psalm 116:1-2 tells us "I love the LORD, because He has heard my cries. Because He bends down and listens." Picture your closest friend, turning his ear to you, and you cup your hand around your mouth and whisper your need. That's the picture.
God knows exactly what's going on in your life. He’s aware of your needs and your heartaches and your worries about the future. God totally gets it - that one truth has inspired and comforted and ministered to God's people through thousands of years of history.
Not only is God listening to your prayer, but He will give you wisdom about the difficult season of your life if you ask Him for it. James 1:5 tells us, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." That phrase "without reproach" means literally that God won't sink His teeth into you. God won't be like, "What? What are you asking Me that for!?" He's not the impatient parent who doesn't have time for you or the irritable boss who snaps back. No, He's the attentive counselor, listening to you. Hebrews 4:16 assures you to, "with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
Take to heart the comfort of Psalm 62:8: "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us."
James MacDonald
walkintheword.com
This devotional is by James MacDonald from Walk in the Word Ministries.
Jesus Listens
The Weekly Walk
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." - Hebrews 4:16
What do you think about prayer? Do you think that God really wants to talk to you? Do you think He really wants to hear what is on your heart?
The answer is, yes, He really does. He is an attentive counselor who listens to you. You understand this picture if you know what it's like to sit and talk to someone who really knows how to listen. They hear you. They get it. You can see in their eyes that they're tracking with you. Psalm 116:1-2 tells us "I love the LORD, because He has heard my cries. Because He bends down and listens." Picture your closest friend, turning his ear to you, and you cup your hand around your mouth and whisper your need. That's the picture.
God knows exactly what's going on in your life. He’s aware of your needs and your heartaches and your worries about the future. God totally gets it - that one truth has inspired and comforted and ministered to God's people through thousands of years of history.
Not only is God listening to your prayer, but He will give you wisdom about the difficult season of your life if you ask Him for it. James 1:5 tells us, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." That phrase "without reproach" means literally that God won't sink His teeth into you. God won't be like, "What? What are you asking Me that for!?" He's not the impatient parent who doesn't have time for you or the irritable boss who snaps back. No, He's the attentive counselor, listening to you. Hebrews 4:16 assures you to, "with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
Take to heart the comfort of Psalm 62:8: "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us."
James MacDonald
walkintheword.com
Saturday, August 29, 2009
My mom and Nate went to the nursing home this morning to clean out dad's room. I was left in charge of the Pip, Little Mister, and Big V.
After breakfast, the Pip alerted me with the information that Little Mister had filled his diaper. I then heard her exclaim, "Eeew, gross, I smell it!" However gross she found it, it did not slow her down from getting in on the action. She insisted on holding the powder.
As I finished cleaning him, she pointed at his part and exclaimed, "I don't have one of those!" I asked her what "one of those" was called, figuring I would need to teach her about "those things" eventually and now seemed like a teachable moment. After a short explanation, I asked her what she had. She said, "I have a plain ole' butt."
After breakfast, the Pip alerted me with the information that Little Mister had filled his diaper. I then heard her exclaim, "Eeew, gross, I smell it!" However gross she found it, it did not slow her down from getting in on the action. She insisted on holding the powder.
As I finished cleaning him, she pointed at his part and exclaimed, "I don't have one of those!" I asked her what "one of those" was called, figuring I would need to teach her about "those things" eventually and now seemed like a teachable moment. After a short explanation, I asked her what she had. She said, "I have a plain ole' butt."
Friday, August 28, 2009
Minute by Minute
We made it through day one. Minute by minute.
It is hard not having dad's body to hold, touch, and talk to. As the grief hits in waves, I feel panic and anxiety. My chest and throat feel tight. Even though I know dad is experiencing a perfect place, I forget and look for him here.
Who will teach the Pip and Little Mister how to fish? Who will sit and have conversations with me while working in the yard? Who will make me go to hole-in-the-wall restaurants to prove you can't beat the authenticity? Who will preach to me the message of being flexible and forgiving at all times? Who will help me get my real Christmas tree? Who will use the phrases, "The bottom line is..." and, "The thing of it is..." in our conversations? Who will make me eat weird concoctions for meals like barley, ground hamburger, and dark red kidney beans? Who will laugh heartily when telling stories? Who will roll his eyes with me and tell me that the Pip is just like me? Who will smile at me with pride? Who will tell me to try again when I have failed?
My heart longs for my dad today. When I think of him, I take a deep breath. I try to move forward just a little bit.
Storms soothe me. I remember as a child watching rain storms from the porch. Dad would have his cup of coffee, *motor oil*, in his hand and we would sit on the porch watching the storm in the back yard. It absolutely fascinated me. The thunder and lightning reminded me of God's creativity. We would calmly sit and watch the show.
Last night it looked like rain was coming. The clouds were dark in the sky. What a perfect ending to the day. Dad would have loved it...a gift of peace.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
It is hard not having dad's body to hold, touch, and talk to. As the grief hits in waves, I feel panic and anxiety. My chest and throat feel tight. Even though I know dad is experiencing a perfect place, I forget and look for him here.
Who will teach the Pip and Little Mister how to fish? Who will sit and have conversations with me while working in the yard? Who will make me go to hole-in-the-wall restaurants to prove you can't beat the authenticity? Who will preach to me the message of being flexible and forgiving at all times? Who will help me get my real Christmas tree? Who will use the phrases, "The bottom line is..." and, "The thing of it is..." in our conversations? Who will make me eat weird concoctions for meals like barley, ground hamburger, and dark red kidney beans? Who will laugh heartily when telling stories? Who will roll his eyes with me and tell me that the Pip is just like me? Who will smile at me with pride? Who will tell me to try again when I have failed?
My heart longs for my dad today. When I think of him, I take a deep breath. I try to move forward just a little bit.
Storms soothe me. I remember as a child watching rain storms from the porch. Dad would have his cup of coffee, *motor oil*, in his hand and we would sit on the porch watching the storm in the back yard. It absolutely fascinated me. The thunder and lightning reminded me of God's creativity. We would calmly sit and watch the show.
Last night it looked like rain was coming. The clouds were dark in the sky. What a perfect ending to the day. Dad would have loved it...a gift of peace.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Hope
While I experienced relief and peace today, I also know an ache so deep. I've tried for a while to picture this day, to prepare myself, but I realize now that walking through it was the only way I could understand. I miss my dad with a longing so intense. I am looking forward to opening the door to the next chapter in my life but I wish that I could go back a few and hold my dad one more time. Just one more time. Oh, dad, I love you so.
With Hope
by Steven Curtis Chapman
This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...
So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
With Hope
by Steven Curtis Chapman
This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...
So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
The Journey to Meet Jesus
Dad went to be with Jesus today at 4:08p.m.
My day started out like any other day. We were into our routine at home but I felt restless. I kept watching the clock. I felt a sense of unrest and couldn't seem to shake it.
Mom called me around noon and shared that she had gotten a phone call to let her know that dad had started mottling, that they could barely get his blood pressure, and that she needed to come to the nursing home.
Nate and I made it to the nursing home around 2p.m. Within an hour, dad's breathing became labored. In the final hour, he became unresponsive and started having apnea.
As my mom started singing, "What a Day That Will Be," his body relaxed in her arms. Not long after that, he took his final breath. It was completely peaceful and calm. I am so blessed to have been able to hold his hand and be there for his final moment on earth.
Another blessing...All through this journey, dad had made small goals to reach. His last goal was to live to be able to see my brother, Chris, one more time. Chris has been in Army training and was able to come home for a little while to spend time with dad before he died. Chris left Tuesday to go back to Fort Sam Houston. Dad had fulfilled his goal.
My day started out like any other day. We were into our routine at home but I felt restless. I kept watching the clock. I felt a sense of unrest and couldn't seem to shake it.
Mom called me around noon and shared that she had gotten a phone call to let her know that dad had started mottling, that they could barely get his blood pressure, and that she needed to come to the nursing home.
Nate and I made it to the nursing home around 2p.m. Within an hour, dad's breathing became labored. In the final hour, he became unresponsive and started having apnea.
As my mom started singing, "What a Day That Will Be," his body relaxed in her arms. Not long after that, he took his final breath. It was completely peaceful and calm. I am so blessed to have been able to hold his hand and be there for his final moment on earth.
Another blessing...All through this journey, dad had made small goals to reach. His last goal was to live to be able to see my brother, Chris, one more time. Chris has been in Army training and was able to come home for a little while to spend time with dad before he died. Chris left Tuesday to go back to Fort Sam Houston. Dad had fulfilled his goal.
What A Day That Will Be
Words and Music: Jim Hill
There is coming a day,
When no heart aches shall come,
No more clouds in the sky,
No more tears to dim the eye,
All is peace forever more,
On that happy golden shore,
What a day, glorious day that will be.
What a day that will be,
When my Jesus I shall see,
And I look upon His face,
The One who saved me by His grace;
When He takes me by the hand,
And leads me through the Promised Land,
What a day, glorious day that will be.
There’ll be no sorrow there,
No more burdens to bear,
No more sickness, no pain,
No more parting over there;
And forever I will be,
With the One who died for me,
What a day, glorious day that will be.
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." Thomas said to him, "Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?" Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him." ~Matthew 14:1-7
Prayers
Please keep us covered in prayer today. My mom was called by the hospice nurse to come to the nursing home. It seems dad's time is very short. Nate and I are headed over there soon. I don't know what to expect. I don't even know what to ask you to pray for.
Please pray.
Please pray.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
A Precious Memory
The news of dad's cancer came so quickly and the diagnosis was so devastating. I could not remember the last time dad looked healthy. It was if my mind had blocked it out. I would try so hard to go back in time, but all I could see was a very sick man.
Recently, a memory came to me. Tears fell as I remembered. How precious memories are!
It was the end of October 2008. We were blessed with a warm sunny day. I had gone to KFC to pick up lunch and then drove over to dad's house. We decided to have an impromptu picnic in the driveway. Vader was tied to his boat looking for ways to escape but only getting more and more tangled up in his lead. Emmelia was joyfully running around.
Dad was wearing khaki cargo shorts, a yellow polo shirt, and his Birkenstock slip on sandals. He looked so healthy and happy. As we ate, we talked about life. We talked about plans. We wondered about my baby to be born in the spring. What would having another grandchild be like...born ready to fish and hunt? We just talked. It felt so carefree.
So simple. So perfect.
Recently, a memory came to me. Tears fell as I remembered. How precious memories are!
It was the end of October 2008. We were blessed with a warm sunny day. I had gone to KFC to pick up lunch and then drove over to dad's house. We decided to have an impromptu picnic in the driveway. Vader was tied to his boat looking for ways to escape but only getting more and more tangled up in his lead. Emmelia was joyfully running around.
Dad was wearing khaki cargo shorts, a yellow polo shirt, and his Birkenstock slip on sandals. He looked so healthy and happy. As we ate, we talked about life. We talked about plans. We wondered about my baby to be born in the spring. What would having another grandchild be like...born ready to fish and hunt? We just talked. It felt so carefree.
So simple. So perfect.
Finding the words...
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
~Matthew 11:28
Today marked the 2nd week dad has been in the nursing home.
As I try to process the past two weeks, what comes to my mind is that life is fragile. In a matter of a very short time, life can change. It has taken me so long to write this post. I couldn't find the words. My heart feels great sadness but also relief. Each word I write leaves me emotionally drained but at peace.
Dad has stopped eating or drinking. He is barely able to speak. He is starting to get confused. The cancer seems to be spreading quickly. He has pain in his hip which one would assume cancer is the cause. He will start morphine for the pain. Once a healthy robust man, he now weighs 134lbs.
As my mind tries to wrap itself around the reality of watching a precious life leave this world, I have chosen to focus on the eternal and not the present. Heaven is waiting for dad. His days on this earth are coming to an end. He will soon be held in the arms of Jesus and know a perfect body.
Promises that I cling to...
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
~Revelation 21:4
"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him."
~I Thessalonians 4:13-14
"Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"
~John 11:25-26
"Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints."
~Psalm 116:15
~Matthew 11:28
Today marked the 2nd week dad has been in the nursing home.
As I try to process the past two weeks, what comes to my mind is that life is fragile. In a matter of a very short time, life can change. It has taken me so long to write this post. I couldn't find the words. My heart feels great sadness but also relief. Each word I write leaves me emotionally drained but at peace.
Dad has stopped eating or drinking. He is barely able to speak. He is starting to get confused. The cancer seems to be spreading quickly. He has pain in his hip which one would assume cancer is the cause. He will start morphine for the pain. Once a healthy robust man, he now weighs 134lbs.
As my mind tries to wrap itself around the reality of watching a precious life leave this world, I have chosen to focus on the eternal and not the present. Heaven is waiting for dad. His days on this earth are coming to an end. He will soon be held in the arms of Jesus and know a perfect body.
Promises that I cling to...
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
~Revelation 21:4
"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him."
~I Thessalonians 4:13-14
"Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"
~John 11:25-26
"Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints."
~Psalm 116:15
Monday, August 17, 2009
First Day Back
Today is Nate's first day back for the school year. Where did the summer go? We will miss having him with us but are looking forward to getting back into a routine.
Have a great day! We love you!
~the Wife, the Pip, Little Mister, and creatures
A book, a blessing...
I love the story of finding this book, Grandfather and Me, by Diane Barbara...another way God blessed us.
We went to have lunch with Nate's grandma in Galesburg at a yummy restaurant, The Landmark. It had been pouring rain when we went in to eat but had cleared off by the time we left. As we walked out of the restaurant I spied a cute little children's boutique, Mother Goosebumps. I felt led to go into this store. Many of you are laughing right now because it is hilarious to think that I felt led to shop. I even have a smile on my face as I write this. Oh, but I did feel led.
However, the big hurdle of running it by Nate stared me in the face. You see, he would be left with getting the two kiddos into the car and waiting for me. To his credit, I have been known to go into a store for one thing, get very distracted, and forget that my darling *sarcasm* family was waiting for me in the car. What usually occurs in the car is a major meltdown while I am gone. The Pip wanted to go with me and whines or cries and Little Mister is breaking down because the car isn't moving. Add Big V to the mix and you need to wear biohazard masks. It truly can become a circus.
But Nate said YES!
I vowed to keep it quick and boy was that tough...sale signs everywhere. As I was quickly *ahem* looking, I found this book that was recommended by hospice! I wanted to capture whatever memories of dad that I could but I hadn't made it out to Barnes and Noble to purchase a copy yet and wasn't sure if I would have time to get it. I, of course, had to explain my excitement to the lady working in the shop. I almost cried because I recognized the blessing that I had been given at that moment. What a thrill!
There are other books by the same author...Mom and Me, Dad and Me, and Grandmother and Me. What a precious gift to leave behind.
amazon.com
The Landmark Cafe
62 S Seminary St
Galesburg, IL 61401-4803
(309) 343-5376
Mother Goosebumps
77 South Seminary Street
Galesburg, IL 61401
(309) 342- 2867
We went to have lunch with Nate's grandma in Galesburg at a yummy restaurant, The Landmark. It had been pouring rain when we went in to eat but had cleared off by the time we left. As we walked out of the restaurant I spied a cute little children's boutique, Mother Goosebumps. I felt led to go into this store. Many of you are laughing right now because it is hilarious to think that I felt led to shop. I even have a smile on my face as I write this. Oh, but I did feel led.
However, the big hurdle of running it by Nate stared me in the face. You see, he would be left with getting the two kiddos into the car and waiting for me. To his credit, I have been known to go into a store for one thing, get very distracted, and forget that my darling *sarcasm* family was waiting for me in the car. What usually occurs in the car is a major meltdown while I am gone. The Pip wanted to go with me and whines or cries and Little Mister is breaking down because the car isn't moving. Add Big V to the mix and you need to wear biohazard masks. It truly can become a circus.
But Nate said YES!
I vowed to keep it quick and boy was that tough...sale signs everywhere. As I was quickly *ahem* looking, I found this book that was recommended by hospice! I wanted to capture whatever memories of dad that I could but I hadn't made it out to Barnes and Noble to purchase a copy yet and wasn't sure if I would have time to get it. I, of course, had to explain my excitement to the lady working in the shop. I almost cried because I recognized the blessing that I had been given at that moment. What a thrill!
There are other books by the same author...Mom and Me, Dad and Me, and Grandmother and Me. What a precious gift to leave behind.
amazon.comThe Landmark Cafe
62 S Seminary St
Galesburg, IL 61401-4803
(309) 343-5376
Mother Goosebumps
77 South Seminary Street
Galesburg, IL 61401
(309) 342- 2867
Another blessing...another reason to celebrate...
It is my dad's 70th birthday today! We are blessed to be able to celebrate one more time!
In July, we were also blessed to celebrate mom and dad's 40th wedding anniversary.
In July, we were also blessed to celebrate mom and dad's 40th wedding anniversary.
We love you so very much!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The Pip is caught!
I put the Pip down for her nap. We read a story, prayed, cuddled and kissed, and declared our "I love yous." I tucked her in and left the room. I decided to leave a small crack as I closed the door so that I could observe what actually happened when I left her room. She is the Pip after all.
When the Pip thought she was in the clear, she jumped up out of her covers, climbed down her bed, and started to walk towards the end of the bed when I opened the door and surprised her. The look on her face was priceless. She actually looked frightened. I asked her what she was doing and was told that she wanted to get a pile of books to read in her bed. After giving me her word that she would go to sleep after reading for a while, she gathered books from her library, climbed into bed, and sat looking at her treasures. I checked back later and she was asleep.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. There is just something peaceful and incredibly satisfying about crawling into bed with a good book. I am so thankful that she loves to "read" as much as her mommy and daddy.
This morning, we listened to her singing, "My God is So Big" and other songs from her room. Nate knocked on her door and she said, "Come on in." She was reading her little Bible and telling herself stories. So sweet and perfect...I wonder what the day will bring. :)
When the Pip thought she was in the clear, she jumped up out of her covers, climbed down her bed, and started to walk towards the end of the bed when I opened the door and surprised her. The look on her face was priceless. She actually looked frightened. I asked her what she was doing and was told that she wanted to get a pile of books to read in her bed. After giving me her word that she would go to sleep after reading for a while, she gathered books from her library, climbed into bed, and sat looking at her treasures. I checked back later and she was asleep.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. There is just something peaceful and incredibly satisfying about crawling into bed with a good book. I am so thankful that she loves to "read" as much as her mommy and daddy.
This morning, we listened to her singing, "My God is So Big" and other songs from her room. Nate knocked on her door and she said, "Come on in." She was reading her little Bible and telling herself stories. So sweet and perfect...I wonder what the day will bring. :)
Oh, how I love this song. These lyrics describe my journey and my promise to God.
"Praise You In This Storm"
by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
"Praise You In This Storm"
by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
Thursday, August 13, 2009
A friend is one who joyfully sings with you when you are on the mountain top, and silently walks beside you through the valley.
~William A. Ward
Blessed. Blessed. Blessed.
Thank you for encouraging, supporting, volunteering, and standing with us in prayer. You mean so much to us and are treasured. Thank you for being a blessing in our lives.
We appreciate and love you!
~William A. Ward
Blessed. Blessed. Blessed.
Thank you for encouraging, supporting, volunteering, and standing with us in prayer. You mean so much to us and are treasured. Thank you for being a blessing in our lives.
We appreciate and love you!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
"You are...infinitely dear to the Father, unspeakably precious to Him. You are never, not for one second alone."
~Norman Dowty
Tough. Surreal. At my age, I never imagined that I would have to deal with losing a parent.We took dad to the nursing home on Wednesday. The drive over to the nursing home was painful because we knew that dad would never return home. It felt so final. What made it even more sorrowful was that dad took time before we left to sit in the driveway, facing the house, remembering his life. I can't begin to imagine his thoughts.
My heart broke a little more. I felt the kind of pain that goes so deep my chest tightens and I can't breathe.
How does one watch a loved one die? My strong, wise, and independent dad is withdrawing from this world. What an honor it is to run to the arms of Jesus and know joy, peace, and a perfect body. I want him to experience the glory of heaven but oh, I will miss him with all my heart.
I made a choice to walk this journey trusting God, knowing that God is sovereign, in control, has gone before me, tenderly holds me, and grieves with me. No matter what I face, Satan has no power over me and will claim no victory. Period.
Beth Moore says in Stepping Up, "I need to know I'll never endure a season of tears that can't turn into a harvest of joy." I am waiting to see where this journey will lead me.
"Listen to Me, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He and I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you." -Isaiah 46:3-4
When I feel a sense of panic or am overwhelmed, I claim these verses. I love how it begins with, "Listen to me." These words are meant for a gal like me. God will sustain me.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Getting a Head Start
The Pip just said she wrote letters on our behalf to Santa...one for mommy and one for daddy.
Dear Santa,
I hope you bring me lots of presents.
Apparently, she has presents on the brain. Maybe Santa will help me in the potty training department. Hmm...
Monday, August 10, 2009
More from the Pip
Nate and I were having a conversation in the car, going over plans for the day. The Pip commented from the back seat, "Would you stop talking? I can't take all this much."
On our way to church yesterday, the Pip told daddy, "You are being disrespectful. You are being rude. You need to listen to me." The word disrespectful, was a whole mouthful for this pint-sized 3 year old and daddy had to listen closely to decipher it.
Both actions were promptly followed with discipline lest you think the Pip gets free reign for sassiness. :) However, Nate and I shared secret smiles.
We love her oh so much.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Heaps of Blessings
Nate and I had a rare moment in the car to talk without interruption today. Does it count if we pretended not to hear the baby crying?
We discussed our journey and the growth and blessings that have come from it. I am weary and tired but I am so blessed I could cry.
"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him,
for he shields him all day long,
and the one the LORD loves rests between His shoulders."
Deuteronomy 33:12
Only a small portion of the blessings and lessons learned:
I know the freedom of handing over every little bit and trusting in a God who is in control. I cling to God.
Our precious family and friends have stood with us and have covered us in prayer and encouragement, walking this journey with us. We feel loved down to our toes.
I was a practicing skeptic but now I am a reformed pessimist. Faith and hope have filled my heart since the beginning of this walk.
I am ready to walk with abandon into the arms of Jesus when I am called home without looking back. I think about Heaven with longing.
God gave us a precious life as a blessing during tragedy. We named him Elijah Nathan James. We believe in giving our children a heritage in a name. Elijah means, "The Lord is my God." Nathan means, "Gift of God." My dad's name is James. We call him Eli, meaning, "Uplifted." God held us close, lifted us up, protected us, and gave us joy in the midst of tears.
My dad was told he might not live to see the birth of Eli. The Friday before I went to the hospital to have Eli, we were told that dad may have tumors in his brain. He would need radiation which could change his personality not to mention his memory. God replaced my heavy heart with peace. I gave birth to Eli on Monday, March 23rd. My parents surprised me and came to the hospital on Tuesday. It was such a precious moment to watch my dad hold his grandson, knowing that it might not have happened. It was after that that mom and dad shared that the tumor review board was not sure whether or not there were lesions in dad's brain. There was a possibility that what was showing from the scan were abnormalities. We waited a month, had another scan, and were blessed to receive the news that there was no cancer in the brain. The best news next to bringing a precious life into the world!
Every little moment is precious. Time and time again, tumor markers dropped due to the blessing of chemo working which gave us more time to love dad.
I am learning to live in the moment. Each day is a gift.
Strong Tower
by Kutless
When I wander through the desert
And I'm longing for my home
All my dreams have gone astray
When I'm stranded in the valley
And I'm tired and all alone
It seems like I've lost my way
I go running to Your mountain
Where your mercy sets me free
[chorus]
You are my strong tower
Shelter over me
Beautiful and mighty
Everlasting King
You are my strong tower
Fortress when I'm weak
Your name is true and holy
And Your face is all I seek
In the middle of my darkness
In the midst of all my fear
You're my refuge and my hope
When the storm of life is raging
And the thunder's all I hear
You speak softly to my soul
Now I'm running to your mountain
Where your mercy sets me free
We discussed our journey and the growth and blessings that have come from it. I am weary and tired but I am so blessed I could cry.
"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him,
for he shields him all day long,
and the one the LORD loves rests between His shoulders."
Deuteronomy 33:12
Only a small portion of the blessings and lessons learned:
I know the freedom of handing over every little bit and trusting in a God who is in control. I cling to God.
Our precious family and friends have stood with us and have covered us in prayer and encouragement, walking this journey with us. We feel loved down to our toes.
I was a practicing skeptic but now I am a reformed pessimist. Faith and hope have filled my heart since the beginning of this walk.
I am ready to walk with abandon into the arms of Jesus when I am called home without looking back. I think about Heaven with longing.
God gave us a precious life as a blessing during tragedy. We named him Elijah Nathan James. We believe in giving our children a heritage in a name. Elijah means, "The Lord is my God." Nathan means, "Gift of God." My dad's name is James. We call him Eli, meaning, "Uplifted." God held us close, lifted us up, protected us, and gave us joy in the midst of tears.
My dad was told he might not live to see the birth of Eli. The Friday before I went to the hospital to have Eli, we were told that dad may have tumors in his brain. He would need radiation which could change his personality not to mention his memory. God replaced my heavy heart with peace. I gave birth to Eli on Monday, March 23rd. My parents surprised me and came to the hospital on Tuesday. It was such a precious moment to watch my dad hold his grandson, knowing that it might not have happened. It was after that that mom and dad shared that the tumor review board was not sure whether or not there were lesions in dad's brain. There was a possibility that what was showing from the scan were abnormalities. We waited a month, had another scan, and were blessed to receive the news that there was no cancer in the brain. The best news next to bringing a precious life into the world!
Every little moment is precious. Time and time again, tumor markers dropped due to the blessing of chemo working which gave us more time to love dad.
I am learning to live in the moment. Each day is a gift.
Strong Tower
by Kutless
When I wander through the desert
And I'm longing for my home
All my dreams have gone astray
When I'm stranded in the valley
And I'm tired and all alone
It seems like I've lost my way
I go running to Your mountain
Where your mercy sets me free
[chorus]
You are my strong tower
Shelter over me
Beautiful and mighty
Everlasting King
You are my strong tower
Fortress when I'm weak
Your name is true and holy
And Your face is all I seek
In the middle of my darkness
In the midst of all my fear
You're my refuge and my hope
When the storm of life is raging
And the thunder's all I hear
You speak softly to my soul
Now I'm running to your mountain
Where your mercy sets me free
Friday, August 7, 2009
We have been walking through the fire lately. We are feeling exhausted emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
I recently picked up My Utmost for His Highest and began reading it again thanks to a friend who mentioned this daily reading. God is so good. This message was perfect for the exact moment I needed it.
My Utmost for His Highest
Oswald Chambers
August 2
The typical view of the Christian life is that it means being delivered from all adversity. But it actually means being delivered in adversity, which is something very different. "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. No evil shall befall you, not shall any plague come near your dwelling..."(Psalm 91:1. 10)--the place where you are at one with God.
If you are a child of God, you will certainly encounter adversities, but Jesus says you should not be surprised when they come. "In the world you will have tribulations; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." He is saying, "There is nothing for you to fear." The same people who refused to talk about their adversities before they were saved often complain and worry after being born again because they have the wrong idea of what it means to live the life of a saint.
God does not give us overcoming life--He gives us life as we overcome. The strain of life is what builds our strength. If there is no strain, there will be no strength. Are you asking God to five you life, liberty, and joy? He cannot, unless you are willing to accept the strain. And once you face the strain, you will immediately get the strength. Overcome your own timidity and take the first step. Then God will give you nourishment--"To him who overcomes I will give to eat from the tree of life..."(Revelation 2:7). If you completely give of yourself physically, you become exhausted. But when you give of yourself spiritually, you get more strength. God never gives us strength for tomorrow, or for the next hour, but only for the strain of the moment. Our temptation is to face adversities from the standpoint of our own common sense. But a saint can "be of good cheer" even when seemingly defeated by adversities, because victory is absurdly impossible to everyone, except God.
I recently picked up My Utmost for His Highest and began reading it again thanks to a friend who mentioned this daily reading. God is so good. This message was perfect for the exact moment I needed it.
My Utmost for His Highest
Oswald Chambers
August 2
The typical view of the Christian life is that it means being delivered from all adversity. But it actually means being delivered in adversity, which is something very different. "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. No evil shall befall you, not shall any plague come near your dwelling..."(Psalm 91:1. 10)--the place where you are at one with God.
If you are a child of God, you will certainly encounter adversities, but Jesus says you should not be surprised when they come. "In the world you will have tribulations; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." He is saying, "There is nothing for you to fear." The same people who refused to talk about their adversities before they were saved often complain and worry after being born again because they have the wrong idea of what it means to live the life of a saint.
God does not give us overcoming life--He gives us life as we overcome. The strain of life is what builds our strength. If there is no strain, there will be no strength. Are you asking God to five you life, liberty, and joy? He cannot, unless you are willing to accept the strain. And once you face the strain, you will immediately get the strength. Overcome your own timidity and take the first step. Then God will give you nourishment--"To him who overcomes I will give to eat from the tree of life..."(Revelation 2:7). If you completely give of yourself physically, you become exhausted. But when you give of yourself spiritually, you get more strength. God never gives us strength for tomorrow, or for the next hour, but only for the strain of the moment. Our temptation is to face adversities from the standpoint of our own common sense. But a saint can "be of good cheer" even when seemingly defeated by adversities, because victory is absurdly impossible to everyone, except God.
Monday, August 3, 2009
At the beginning of 4 months, Eli rolled over for the first official time last night! He has been trying for some time now but just couldn't get the bottom half of his body to join the top half. A big grin spread across his face when both parts of his body moved at the same time.
It is so interesting to watch both kids grow. Each one is so different and unique. Big sister started rolling over much earlier. I should have figured this out. She has proved time and time again that she doesn't like to be still. The Pip is always on the go!
However, baby brother has her beat in the teething department. He started teething at 3 months. Two adorable little white spots have appeared. He also started smiling very early.
In further news, the Pip cracked us up again. We were driving home from grandma and grandpa's house. As we pulled into the driveway, Vader, or Big V as we affectionately refer to him, started barking from the back of our car. The Pip, without missing a beat said, "I think he sees someone. Maybe that is why he is woofing."
It is so interesting to watch both kids grow. Each one is so different and unique. Big sister started rolling over much earlier. I should have figured this out. She has proved time and time again that she doesn't like to be still. The Pip is always on the go!
However, baby brother has her beat in the teething department. He started teething at 3 months. Two adorable little white spots have appeared. He also started smiling very early.
In further news, the Pip cracked us up again. We were driving home from grandma and grandpa's house. As we pulled into the driveway, Vader, or Big V as we affectionately refer to him, started barking from the back of our car. The Pip, without missing a beat said, "I think he sees someone. Maybe that is why he is woofing."
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I am a take charge kind of person. When something needs to be done, I do it. I find a way to make it happen.
When we found out about dad's cancer, I desperately wanted to move heaven and earth to find a way to cure him. I would have given him part of my pancreas to make it happen.
There was no earthly solution. Helpless. For the first time in my life, I felt and was completely helpless. I felt caged by that helplessness.
The only thing I could do was pray my heart out. It is easy to trust God when we still can hold on with some sort of control. I had nothing. Was my faith big enough to trust God with the precious life of my dad? My faith was challenged as I came to God, surrendered my will, removed my hands from my fight, trusting that God is sovereign and in control. Time and time again, God held me close, filling me with peace when I was afraid.
I call this time in my life a character refining time. My friends know that I love most of all to plan and organize. I take joy in it. Everything has a place. Now, each day is unknown and I have to walk into it with faith. It is exhausting, learning how to let go. I choose to look at it as a blessing. Does that sound crazy? I love what God is doing in me as I learn.
I understand these lyrics in a deep personal way.
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
We are all, in our own way, coming to terms.
A week ago Tuesday, my parents met with the oncologist to discuss dad's treatment. The chemo is no longer working. Although the tumors have shrunk in the pancreas and lungs, one tumor having disappeared in the lung, the lesions on the liver are still growing. The CA-19 is also slowly growing. As of last week, the oncologist estimated that dad has 6-8 weeks left here on the earth.
The hospice nurse shared that he will continue to grow weaker and sleep more. Thankfully, he is not having a lot of pain which is unusual for pancreatic cancer.
I am still praying for a miracle of healing. Perhaps the miracle will not be a miracle of healing here on earth but the miracle is in what I am learning through this process or the constant stream of blessings.
A week ago Tuesday, my parents met with the oncologist to discuss dad's treatment. The chemo is no longer working. Although the tumors have shrunk in the pancreas and lungs, one tumor having disappeared in the lung, the lesions on the liver are still growing. The CA-19 is also slowly growing. As of last week, the oncologist estimated that dad has 6-8 weeks left here on the earth.
The hospice nurse shared that he will continue to grow weaker and sleep more. Thankfully, he is not having a lot of pain which is unusual for pancreatic cancer.
I am still praying for a miracle of healing. Perhaps the miracle will not be a miracle of healing here on earth but the miracle is in what I am learning through this process or the constant stream of blessings.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Friday, November 21, 2008. The day after we received the news that dad had a mass on his pancreas, life felt like a blur. I had to make a conscious decision to do things that seemed simple. It was effort to get out of bed and face the day.
I made a choice to go to my Friday Mommy and Me group because I knew I needed to be with friends. I needed to try to keep things as normal as possible for Emmelia and me while Nate was at work. My heart was breaking but I knew I needed to go even though excuses to stay home flooded my mind.
When I walked through the door, I heard these words on the radio, "There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary, And love for the broken hearts." I started crying. It described how I felt.
I was new to this group but my precious friends, some old, some new, embraced, listened, cried with me, prayed over me and loved me in my grief. I was right where I needed to be that day.
I believe God intervenes when Satan attacks by putting us in the right place at the right time to be touched by others or encouraged through His Words. This experience is one of many where God holds me close and is my protector as I struggle through on this journey.
"Cry Out To Jesus" - Third Day
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time.
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye.
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keepin' you back from your life.
You believe that there's nothing
And there is no one who can make it right.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.
For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love.
And they've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough.
For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again.
Just remember that you're not alone
In your shame and your suffering.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus.
When you're lonely and it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus.
To the widow who suffers from being alone,
Wipin' the tears from her eyes.
For the children around the world without a home,
Say a prayer tonight.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
That meets you wherever you are.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
That meets you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.
Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.
I made a choice to go to my Friday Mommy and Me group because I knew I needed to be with friends. I needed to try to keep things as normal as possible for Emmelia and me while Nate was at work. My heart was breaking but I knew I needed to go even though excuses to stay home flooded my mind.
When I walked through the door, I heard these words on the radio, "There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary, And love for the broken hearts." I started crying. It described how I felt.
I was new to this group but my precious friends, some old, some new, embraced, listened, cried with me, prayed over me and loved me in my grief. I was right where I needed to be that day.
I believe God intervenes when Satan attacks by putting us in the right place at the right time to be touched by others or encouraged through His Words. This experience is one of many where God holds me close and is my protector as I struggle through on this journey.
"Cry Out To Jesus" - Third Day
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time.
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye.
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keepin' you back from your life.
You believe that there's nothing
And there is no one who can make it right.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.
For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love.
And they've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough.
For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again.
Just remember that you're not alone
In your shame and your suffering.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus.
When you're lonely and it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus.
To the widow who suffers from being alone,
Wipin' the tears from her eyes.
For the children around the world without a home,
Say a prayer tonight.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
That meets you wherever you are.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
That meets you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.
Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.
The Pip went to stay with grandma and grandpa overnight so we could go to Chicago to celebrate a wedding, spend time at IKEA and eat at Portillo's.
Grandma and the Pip were having a conversation this morning in bed. She asked grandma why grandpa was so grumpy to grandma. Grandma told her that grandpa was very, very sick. Grandma then shared that grandma and grandpa would go to heaven someday. The pip paused to think about what grandma said.
After a moment she said, "Then he will get his wings."
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Cancer is so limited ...
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot eat away at peace,
It cannot destroy confidence,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot shut out memories,
It cannot invade the soul,
it cannot reduce eternal life,
It cannot quench the spirit,
It cannot lessen the power of the resurrection.
~Anonymous
We love you dearly.
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