I am a take charge kind of person. When something needs to be done, I do it. I find a way to make it happen.

When we found out about dad's cancer, I desperately wanted to move heaven and earth to find a way to cure him. I would have given him part of my pancreas to make it happen.

There was no earthly solution. Helpless. For the first time in my life, I felt and was completely helpless. I felt caged by that helplessness.

The only thing I could do was pray my heart out. It is easy to trust God when we still can hold on with some sort of control. I had nothing. Was my faith big enough to trust God with the precious life of my dad? My faith was challenged as I came to God, surrendered my will, removed my hands from my fight, trusting that God is sovereign and in control. Time and time again, God held me close, filling me with peace when I was afraid.

I call this time in my life a character refining time. My friends know that I love most of all to plan and organize. I take joy in it. Everything has a place. Now, each day is unknown and I have to walk into it with faith. It is exhausting, learning how to let go. I choose to look at it as a blessing. Does that sound crazy? I love what God is doing in me as I learn.

I understand these lyrics in a deep personal way.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise



Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

We are all, in our own way, coming to terms.

A week ago Tuesday, my parents met with the oncologist to discuss dad's treatment. The chemo is no longer working. Although the tumors have shrunk in the pancreas and lungs, one tumor having disappeared in the lung, the lesions on the liver are still growing. The CA-19 is also slowly growing. As of last week, the oncologist estimated that dad has 6-8 weeks left here on the earth.

The hospice nurse shared that he will continue to grow weaker and sleep more. Thankfully, he is not having a lot of pain which is unusual for pancreatic cancer.

I am still praying for a miracle of healing. Perhaps the miracle will not be a miracle of healing here on earth but the miracle is in what I am learning through this process or the constant stream of blessings.

Friday, November 21, 2008. The day after we received the news that dad had a mass on his pancreas, life felt like a blur. I had to make a conscious decision to do things that seemed simple. It was effort to get out of bed and face the day.

I made a choice to go to my Friday Mommy and Me group because I knew I needed to be with friends. I needed to try to keep things as normal as possible for Emmelia and me while Nate was at work. My heart was breaking but I knew I needed to go even though excuses to stay home flooded my mind.

When I walked through the door, I heard these words on the radio, "There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary, And love for the broken hearts." I started crying. It described how I felt.

I was new to this group but my precious friends, some old, some new, embraced, listened, cried with me, prayed over me and loved me in my grief. I was right where I needed to be that day.

I believe God intervenes when Satan attacks by putting us in the right place at the right time to be touched by others or encouraged through His Words. This experience is one of many where God holds me close and is my protector as I struggle through on this journey.


"Cry Out To Jesus" - Third Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time.
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye.

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keepin' you back from your life.
You believe that there's nothing
And there is no one who can make it right.

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love.
And they've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough.

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again.
Just remember that you're not alone
In your shame and your suffering.

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus.

When you're lonely and it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus

Cry to Jesus.

To the widow who suffers from being alone,
Wipin' the tears from her eyes.
For the children around the world without a home,
Say a prayer tonight.

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
That meets you wherever you are.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
That meets you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.

Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.

The Pip went to stay with grandma and grandpa overnight so we could go to Chicago to celebrate a wedding, spend time at IKEA and eat at Portillo's.

Grandma and the Pip were having a conversation this morning in bed. She asked grandma why grandpa was so grumpy to grandma. Grandma told her that grandpa was very, very sick. Grandma then shared that grandma and grandpa would go to heaven someday. The pip paused to think about what grandma said.

After a moment she said, "Then he will get his wings."

Cancer is so limited ...

It cannot cripple love,

It cannot shatter hope,

It cannot corrode faith,

It cannot eat away at peace,

It cannot destroy confidence,

It cannot kill friendship,

It cannot shut out memories,

It cannot invade the soul,

it cannot reduce eternal life,

It cannot quench the spirit,

It cannot lessen the power of the resurrection.

~Anonymous

We love you dearly.

The News

Our lives changed on December 1, 2008.

We found out Thursday, November 20th, that my dad had what was thought to be pancreatic cancer. He had no symptoms and had an appointment with his doctor due to concern about his gallbladder. It was in this appointment that his doctor delivered the shocking news. At this point, we did not know how bad it was but we knew it wasn't good.

He had a biopsy of the mass found on his pancreas on Wednesday, November 26th and was scheduled to meet with an oncologist for the result and diagnosis on December 1st. The diagnosis was devastating...stage 4 pancreatic cancer...tumor on pancreas 3 inches...6-12months to live...the rest became a blur. I felt like my world was spinning out of control.

It has been said that there is a special relationship between a father and his daughter. There is a unique bond that is hard to explain. I treasure my relationship with my dad. I look up to him and think him to be very wise. He is strong. He can do anything. My dad is the foundation for our family. Even at 34 years old, I still feel like my dad's child.

Have you ever spent time thinking about your worst fear? Somewhere in the depths of my heart, I feared losing my dad most of all. I would find ways to tell myself that I was being silly, that it wouldn't happen for a long time or that he was fine. Now I had to face what I feared the most. That fear felt overwhelming.

The Journey

I have a story to tell. I did not choose the journey that we are on but I did choose to walk this journey by faith. Our lives changed in a moment. I want to document this walk so that I can look back and be reminded, that in each moment, I did not walk it alone. We are all walking through different journeys in our lives. Perhaps my journey will give you comfort and encourage you too.

Isaiah 46:3-4

"Listen to me, O house of Jacob,
all you who remain of the house of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.

Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you."