No pacifier? No worries.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The Bob stroller can meet the need if you are creative.

Little Mister fell asleep and when we looked down to check on him, this is what we found. Clever little guy.

"Grief is not an enemy or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. Grief is the cost of loving someone." ~http://www.griefshare.org

As I am quickly approaching the first year anniversary of my dad's death, I struggle because it is another mark of finality for me. I can no longer look back and say, "Last year at this time he was alive."

How does one prepare for that day? I find myself at a loss. I feel a little anxious.

Do I make it special or do I just plow through? Do I spend time thinking about it or do I keep my mind as busy as possible until it is over?

Grief is so hard to describe. Grief didn't cover me like a cloak of darkness but it has impacted me in small significant ways throughout the past year. It always caught me by surprise. It always took the wind out of me, quickened my pulse, caused my chest to tighten and tears to fall.

"Reminders aren't just tied to the calendar, though. They can be anywhere — in sights, sounds and smells, in the news or on television programs. And they can ambush you, suddenly flooding you with emotions when you drive by the restaurant your wife loved or when you hear a song your son liked so much. Another death, even that of a stranger, can leave you reliving your own grief.

Even years after a loss, you may continue to feel sadness and pain when you're confronted with such reminders. Although some people may tell you that grieving should last a year or less, grieve at your own pace — not on someone else's expected timeline."

~Mayo Clinic

I think I will choose to celebrate my dad and his life, savoring the memories, delighting in his existence on this earth and pondering the joys of heaven...tears of loss, tears of gladness...

Please keep us covered in prayer as we meet another milestone on August 27th.

Blessings

This weary mama was blessed again.

We were in Madison, WI over the weekend with Nate the Great's family. It was a full and busy few days. We dropped into our beds early Sunday night for some blissful and much needed sleep.

My little alarm clocks woke me up early Monday morning. Those precious darlings didn't seem to understand that their mama needed rest to restore not only her limp body but also her befuddled brain. Instead, those little treasures insisted that their mama rise and shine, change a diaper, play tickle games, prepare and serve breakfast and entertain them, giving no slack to the sleep deprived.

And so began my day. In the midst of my morning routine, my dear friend, Anne, called to see what I was up to. After explaining my state of existence, bless her, she decided to come over with one of my favorite Starbucks drinks...my beloved iced vanilla latte. Due to the error of the wonderful barista, I ended up with a venti latte instead of a grande. Maybe he could channel my desperation as he was making my drink.

I was blessed with the surprise of a fantastic friend, great conversation and all three of our kiddos played positively well together. Thank you, Anne, for restoring some of my sanity on Monday. I love you dearly.

About an hour after Anne left, I noticed that the caffeine had taken its hold on my body. I had transformed into the Tazmanian Devil. My pupils were dilated, tongue numb, and I was ready to zip in circles around The Pip and Little Mister, leaving them in a cloud of dust. Perhaps 3 shots of espresso was a tad too much. Don't worry. Later that afternoon, I bit the dust.

I had a long evening ahead of me. Nate the Great was at school for an open house. I gave myself a pep talk...I was the commander-in-chief. I couldn't let the precious ones see my weakness for fear they would try to overthrow me. Weary exhaustion had set in by 7:30 p.m., but I pressed on. A little bit later I heard a knock at my door.

Another fantastic blessing was waiting for me. My neighbor Mark stood there with a bag of fresh garden tomatoes in his hand. I am sure I confirmed that I had a screw loose by the way I went on and on with excitement. I couldn't believe my good fortune. We didn't plant a garden this year do to Big V and his exuberance for mischief. There is nothing like a warm tomato just picked from the garden.

This little gift boosted my emotional energy and I was able to trudge through bath time and all the warm fuzzies of our bed time routine while popping tomatoes in my mouth with joy. Thank you Mark for being a blessing and thank you Brennan for marrying him!

The Pip loves to sleep with her hands in her "poppy" box ("poppy"=paci). I have also gotten used to seeing stuffed animals or blankets cuddled in her arms.

Observing something in Little Mister's grip while in blissful slumber was a new experience.

Today, during nap time, I walked into their bedroom and checked on him. Held tight in his dimpled fist was a car he had been playing with this morning.

Since he and the car seemed inseparable, the two went into the crib together for a nap. I thought he would play for a while and then drop into his usual peaceful sleep, forgetting his little red car. The sight of him holding one of his favorite toys close warmed my heart.

Oh, who am I kidding? Just the sight of him is enough to make me want to leap over the side of the crib and gobble him up.

More Firsts

Today would have been my dad's 71st birthday. I was thinking about how he would have loved to celebrate and I thought the following pictures would have said it best. Even though we are grieving this first birthday without my dad, we are joyful in thought that he is having his first celebration in Heaven. As my mom shared with me this morning, "It will be the BEST he's ever had."

We miss you greatly and love you deeply.

"Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."
~Author Unknown