Six Months

Six months ago today, I said goodbye to my dad.

The grief still cuts deep. It sneaks in and surprises me. I catch my breath and that familiar feeling of anxiety and panic grabs my heart. It is still so raw and fresh. It feels surreal. Life has gone on but I sometimes feel as though I am standing still.

There is still a big empty spot where he used to be. I long for one more touch. I long for another heart to heart conversation. I long to hear his chuckle or for him to tease me. I long for his advice or to hear him start a conversation with, "The thing of it is," and know that I am in for a long lecture. I ache when I see something that reminds me of him. I ache when I catch myself doing something the way he did. I long for him to watch The Pip and Little Mister grow up. He would have taken great delight in the antics of The Pip and the easy going sweetness of Little Mister. I long for family vacations with him. With spring on the way, I long to talk about what we would plant in our yards. I ache because I know I can't ask him a question that he would easily know the answer to. So many longings. So many hopes and dreams.

Even though we grieve and our hearts ache, we are able to see our abundant blessings. We have made it through six months. Friends have come along side of us, encouraged and prayed for us. We have grown closer as a family. Little surprises have happened that made days easier. We have seen provision when there has been need.

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27:13-14

I have fallen in love with the following verse and hold it close to my heart. It is soothing and fills me with peace.

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17

This picture is so very precious to me. Sometimes I think if I stare long enough, I can remember what it felt like to touch him.

Goodbyes are never easy. It can be hard to see the bigger picture. This was the final time dad sat in his driveway at his home before heading to the nursing home. A little over 2 weeks later, dad began a new life in heaven.


Sharing my story is vulnerable for me. I would rather be private about my grief. I share because it is heavy on my heart and I know that there are many walking this same journey with me. I know that I am not alone. If in some way my words can bring comfort or encouragement, it is for a greater glory.

Six months ago, I said goodbye to my dad...but only for a little while. You see, I am confident that I will see him again. I read the lyrics of this song at my dad's memorial service and the words still speak the truth in my heart.

With Hope
by Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope